Dear Child,
I hope this letter finds you in the peak of wellness. I decided to contact you in this most ancient of ways because, though I adore staring into those beautiful blue eyes when they glare at me during our verbal interactions, communicating via this medium was best for the eyesight of all. I would like to preface what I’m about to hesitantly ask by saying how much I love you and appreciate your vibrant presence in our home. Furthermore, as your mother and Chief Domestic Engineer, buying groceries, planning menus, preparing food, and cleaning up after meals normally falls under my purview and I’m often happy to do so. However, there are just a few times when I would be thrilled, nay honored, to see your dishwasher-loading expertise employed. If you could find it within your powers to grace us with your presence in our kitchen long enough to load our dishwasher this afternoon, I would be so, so, so grateful. Please?
Thank you in advance for your consideration,
Mom
Oh Dearest Mother,
Firstly, I am amused at your archaic medium of communication, however much of a sham it may be. Second of all, consider addressing your next missive to your desired recipient; since I have neither blue eyes nor any sort of home economics skills to speak of, dish related or otherwise, I can only conclude your notice of requested slaverylabor has fallen into the wrong hands. I have therefore forwarded these communications to the most likely candidate for their original receipt.
Best of luck in your future culinary aid recruitment,
Isaac
To Whom it May Concern,
I am exceptionally entertained that you thought you could drag myself into your darling little predicament. The little experience I have obtained concerning home economics is merely mandatory for my own existence in this institution.
I would also like to note how much operating around this place I already execute. My day is frightfully filled with urging my subordinates to remove themselves from select vicinities at appropriate times when they are slacking and to attempt to undertake anything beneficial.
These very same incompetents are who, in fact, I would advocate for the job. Their limited aid around the area is especially upsetting. So now I will offer the job to the individual who is most suitable for it, according to their previous work- or lack of it.
I will be encouraging this candidate in their upcoming steps to obedience and responsibility.
-Anna J.
To my Mother Dearest,
Okay, I started reading your speech, and I saw that you had made two huge mistakes. First you made an understatement about how beautiful my eyes are. So much so it is disgraceful. Second, you need to change the font that you are using. I must say it is kind of disgusting. So before I start helping more in the kitchen, I will need you to restate what you said about my eyes and change the font you are using.
But enough criticism of the mother who buys groceries, plans menus, prepares food, and cleans up after meals normally. Speaking of which, I am exceedingly grateful you do that. And even if you don’t fix your beginning speech, I can try to be a better help in the kitchen.
If you want more of my presence in the kitchen, then try making me do my school in there. Hint: That probably won’t go so well seeing as the couch I am sitting on right now is very comfortable, and this is usually where I sit for school. I can also tell you right now that part of the reason I don’t help in the kitchen is because I don’t do it very well partly because of my stature and while I am growing maybe you could just forget about me … This is the reason that I believe that I am not suitable for this, however I think I know someone who definitely is taller and stronger so I will proceed to give it to her.
Your absolute favorite child,
James Allan
Most Honorable Monarch,
I pray this dispatch finds you in good health, prosperity, and, as always, with your characteristic wisdom. I remain deeply appreciative of your consideration and am reassured by the fact that you interpret my direct gaze not as obstinance, but as a trait to be valued in its own right.
That being said, I find myself compelled to address a small oversight on your part. I must respectfully correct you in regard to your recent description of them as blue. In reality, my eyes are hazel. While I fully understand that such details might occasionally slip from memory given your many responsibilities, I cannot help but wonder if this lapse might reflect a more general oversight of my personal capabilities. I hope you will not mind that while I hold your culinary skills and endeavors in the highest regard, due to circumstances within my control, I must respectfully decline your offer at this time and for any future opportunities.
Fortunately, as a solution to any possible neglect, I would be pleased to refer you to other individuals who may be more suitable for consideration. I remain confident that you will find individuals who meet your needs with the same excellence that you seek in all of your ventures.
Thank you once again for your kind understanding and continued support,
~Elizabeth Allan
Dear Mommy,
The world is going to end.
So do not make me die working.
Superior Caleb.
Dear MOM (Monarch Of Maids),
Cc: My 5 knockoffs
Surely my receiving of this letter is an error, as similar to the statements of a prior correspondent, my optical organs are not blue, but rather, a confusing twist of multiple select hues. Oh, and also I am 1,000 miles away from the various utilities involved with this specific position, as I am currently still off pursuing my educational prowess. Furthermore, I am in dire need of experience in a field relative to said education; perhaps we could negotiate this position to appear on my resume as Domestic Engineering Intern – Summer 2025, should all other avenues be exhausted. However, the aforementioned geographical problem remains, and hence I must decline the offer as it stands. Perhaps you could attempt to employ that hideous thing some call a pet, and make it a useful part of the establishment for once.
Best of wishes, and good luck with the dishes,
Jake B. Allan
Dear all,
Cc:Jake B. Allan, Isaac, Elizabeth Allan, Anna J., James Allan, Superior Caleb
Nevermind. Your father did it.
All my love,
Mom
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